How to write an essay

Ten years ago I took a break from writing essays to tell everyone else how to write essays. These “maxims and arrows” (as I pretentiously called them in my younger days - a clumsy nod towards the Nietzsche I was reading at the time) served me well. I don’t use these principles very much today. It turns out industry is more interested in truth than in rhetorical dances. But I suspect they still work well today if you’re studying an arts degree. Here, child. These were my father’s maxims. They are yours now. Use them wisely.

Arguing something well is more important than arguing something right.
Interesting arguments are better than “good” ones.
Ridiculous arguments are more interesting than sensible ones.
Rhetoric is more enjoyable to read than substance.
You are not investigating reality, you are creating it.
Identify the enemy. If there is no enemy, create one.
Destroying the opposing argument is more important than constructing your own. Destruction is more interesting to watch than construction.
If you can’t destroy it, ruthlessly ignore it.
If you can’t ignore it, misrepresent it.
Moderation and balance are not virtues.
Don’t turn back even if you are on the wrong path.
If your sentences seem short, join them together with semi-colons.
The more fragmented the sentences according to word, the better.
If your paragraphs seem short, delete the line break.
Link one paragraph to the next, however vague the link.
Everything looks profound in italics.
Use foreign text in its original without translation.
The less relevant the foreign phrase, the better. For instance, ‘Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est’ (‘Yes, that is a very large amount of corn’) belongs in any essay. ‘Apage Satanas’ (‘Begone, Satan’) is an adequate conclusion. (I believe this point was a contribution from my friend Peter.)
If translation of foreign text is needed, instead use “This obviously demonstrates ...” .
Constantly state your achievements throughout. (‘We have now demonstrated...’)
No-one ever checks citations.
If you’re making a ridiculous point or a controversial one, and you’re sure that no-one would have been stupid enough to make the same point before, just write vaguely that ‘many critics/historians/scientists believe’ it.
Everything is appropriate for citation apart from Wikipedia. Newspapers. Radio 4. Song lyrics. Paintings.
Rather than citing Wikipedia, just appropriate its own citations.
Asserting something confidently enough will suffice for demonstrating it.
Asserting something enough times will suffice for demonstrating it.
Use every logical fallacy you can get away with to further your argument, and explicitly identify those of others.
Every argument has to have axioms. Choose whichever are appropriate.
All arguments are arguments of definition. Choose whatever definitions are appropriate.
End where you started. Circular logic justifies the unjustifiable.

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