How to write an essay

Ten years ago I took a break from writing essays to tell everyone else how to write essays. These “maxims and arrows” (as I pretentiously called them in my younger days - a clumsy nod towards the Nietzsche I was reading at the time) served me well. I don’t use these principles very much today. It turns out industry is more interested in truth than in rhetorical dances. But I suspect they still work well today if you’re studying an arts degree. Here, child. These were my father’s maxims. They are yours now. Use them wisely.

• Arguing something well is more important than arguing something right.
• Interesting arguments are better than “good” ones.
• Ridiculous arguments are more interesting than sensible ones.
• Rhetoric is more enjoyable to read than substance.
• You are not investigating reality, you are creating it.
• Identify the enemy. If there is no enemy, create one.
• Destroying the opposing argument is more important than constructing your own. Destruction is more interesting to watch than construction.
• If you can’t destroy it, ruthlessly ignore it.
• If you can’t ignore it, misrepresent it.
• Moderation and balance are not virtues.
• Don’t turn back even if you are on the wrong path.
• If your sentences seem short, join them together with semi-colons.
• The more fragmented the sentences according to word, the better.
• If your paragraphs seem short, delete the line break.
• Link one paragraph to the next, however vague the link.
• Everything looks profound in italics.
• Use foreign text in its original without translation.
• The less relevant the foreign phrase, the better. For instance, ‘Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est’ (‘Yes, that is a very large amount of corn’) belongs in any essay. ‘Apage Satanas’ (‘Begone, Satan’) is an adequate conclusion. (I believe this point was a contribution from my friend Peter.)
• If translation of foreign text is needed, instead use “This obviously demonstrates ...” .
• Constantly state your achievements throughout. (‘We have now demonstrated...’)
• No-one ever checks citations.
• If you’re making a ridiculous point or a controversial one, and you’re sure that no-one would have been stupid enough to make the same point before, just write vaguely that ‘many critics/historians/scientists believe’ it.
• Everything is appropriate for citation apart from Wikipedia. Newspapers. Radio 4. Song lyrics. Paintings.
• Rather than citing Wikipedia, just appropriate its own citations.
• Asserting something confidently enough will suffice for demonstrating it.
• Asserting something enough times will suffice for demonstrating it.
• Use every logical fallacy you can get away with to further your argument, and explicitly identify those of others.
• Every argument has to have axioms. Choose whichever are appropriate.
• All arguments are arguments of definition. Choose whatever definitions are appropriate.
• End where you started. Circular logic justifies the unjustifiable.

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